We all know that a DUI can result in major consequences, but what about Buying Under the Influence?  Learn how to catch yourself before you slip!

Well, we’ve just passed the autumnal equinox; summer’s given way to fall. This means we can begin to hope for some relief from the heat. It also means that shopping season is almost upon us. As we approach the season, I’d like to briefly explore a not-so-well-known liaison, the unsavory pairing up of drinking and shopping. It’s a phenomenon we call BUI, or buying under the influence.

It doesn’t take much imagination to read this handwriting on the wall. If you’re a shopper, if you even lean toward overshopping, BUI is something to stay away from. Let’s acknowledge the temptation, whether we’re taking bricks-and-mortar or, especially, the Internet. The “All the Rage” column of the L.A. Times puts it colorfully, noting that Shopbop, the online boutique, “knows all about consumers who click on a Marc Jacobs dress and slur, Hey there, frock. I want to take you home tonight.” The boutique doesn’t, of course, have breathalyzer data—but they know. “People definitely do it all the time, says Shopbop spokeswoman Alle Fister. It’s click, click, click after a few cocktails.” And while most online retailers accept returns, admittedly a less painful way of dealing with morning-after remorse, returns cost time as well as money.

That same column nails it. “The appeal of the BUI is as clear as a shot of Stoli. With every glass, inhibitions and judgment soften. Much like drunk-dialing an ex, the impulse to buy becomes an urge that quickly blurs into a must. Suddenly, that $850 David Yurman amethyst and 18K gold ring doesn’t seem like a silly splurge. It’s a reward.”

Recently, the New York Post ran a story about a city pet store that had to ban drunken puppy-buying. “Customers tend to stumble in after happy hour and purchase a dog without thinking,” the owner of Le Petite Puppy said. She now forbids the inebriated even to hold her puppies, and instructs the more insistent to come back next day.

Joanna Douglas, writing in Shine, offers these sensible caveats.

1. Don’t drink near your favorite shops.
2. Don’t day drink.
3. Avoid late-night infomercials.
4. Restrict your online use after drinking.
5. Have a support system.

The bottom line is, drinking and shopping don’t mix, just as drinking and driving don’t. Mindful shopping—the only kind that makes sense—is a way we search for ourselves and our place in the world. It requires judgment, the fine balancing of resources, identity, and need. Drinking clouds all that, leaving us prey to unmediated impulses and unacknowledged needs. Particularly as we head into shopping season, firmly resolve to take good care of yourself this year. When you drink, don’t shop.

 

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Can’t stop the shopping insanity? Try shopping your own closet!
Every minute of every day, inside and outside of every closet, there’s a woman who thinks she’s got nothing to wear.

Can you relate?

Every day, closet doors open on rooms full of nostalgia and dream sizes, garments we convince ourselves we’ll one day wear again. These are the “skins”  for who we are—at work, at home, when nobody’s around, on a first date, for our partners, while out shopping, in the park, when we want to be noticed, when we want to hide. These are our psyches, exposed!

We identify with our clothes, and we want our clothes to identify with us.  The relationship you have to your closet can tell you a lot about your shopping habits: are you proud of it, or do you constantly feel betrayed or disappointed by what it offers you?

In the last ten months, I’ve learned about two women who swore off any clothing purchases for an entire year, choosing instead to shop their own closets. One has even developed a program to teach others to do the same.  It seems as though everywhere I turn in my work life, people are coming out of their closets to talk about what’s in them.

 They’re doing this to feel balanced and reasonable, or simply to stop shopping. I began wondering what would happen if I tried to treat my own closet like a clothing boutique.  Maybe I would find some items I really loved, and get rid of some of the clutter.

I’d been meaning to do some reconnaissance in my closet for a number of years—yet was never quite able to get around to it. Then I read an article in a local paper this April about a warm, creative, and competent woman named Eve Cantor, who had recently begun a business helping women explore their closets.  AI decided it was time for that long-postponed spring cleaning of mine.

I knew that part of what had kept me from overhauling my own closets was inertia, but a larger part was not wanting to go it alone.  What Eve offers— impeccable taste and the capacity to size up clients(forgive the pun!) and help them put together versatile, reliable, and flattering wardrobes that express their personalities and lifestyles—was exactly what I needed. We decided that she would come over, work on my closet with me, and then we’d each write about the experience. Maybe the experience would be positive enough to motivate overshoppers, with or without a closet support buddy, to do the same.

As the day approached, I noticed a few anxious thoughts: “I don’t shop at Barney’s; I almost never spend that kind of money on my clothes. What’s she going to think of my wardrobe?” or “I haven’t tried on some of this stuff in years; what if it doesn’t even fit anymore?” or “There’s so much in these closets; where are we going to begin and how much can we get to? If we don’t finish, am I going to continue myself or just let the rest go?”

The day of our appointment was perfect for the task at hand. A gentle rain fell on New York, making our indoor transformation seem like an ideal activity – both fun and cozy. Eve began by asking me to set aside the “no-brainers,” those items that I definitely wanted to keep; I’d say that constituted about half my wardrobe. As I tried on the rest of the garments, one by one, Eve showed me how some items could be altered to fit better. For example, one of my favorite jackets has gotten a little snug. Eve suggested this out-of-the box solution: have the zipper removed and replaced with a hook-and-eye closure, and maybe even wear the jacket with a skinny brown belt.

She also demonstrated how I could accessorize some things differently to look better and wear more, like a pair of beige suede slacks that I bought eight  years ago and wore once.  I could never figure out what to wear them with, though I had countless shirts and many belts in my closet as well!

Eve suggested restyling a skirt and two dresses to give them each a new lease on life.  Some items, she thought, had seen better days and were ready to be recycled.  I was delighted to be letting go of them; her encouragement made it painless.

Here’s what Eve had to say when we were done.

—————————-

Hi April,

I enjoyed spending time with you and I hope behind those closet doors you now feel a little lighter and have a better understanding of what you own.

Below is my experience of our work together.

I had the pleasure of joining April Benson in her closet.  She contacted me based on an article recently released about “Shopping Your Closet” in the Bergen Herald. As I arrived in her lovely home I felt like I was floating on a gondola in Venice with the murals of Italian waterways on the walls. This women clearly has style. I knew in this moment I was going to love her closet. We immediately got to work.

I normally do a Spring/Summer or Winter/Fall wardrobe in 3 hours, and once we got into our work we decided to continue the momentum of productivity and completed her entire closet (all seasons) in 5 hours. During this time:

• April tried on nearly every piece of clothing
• We discussed openly the positives, negatives, vulnerabilities, missing pieces and accessories, etc. of her wardrobe
  
• We envisioned the events where she will maximize all the pieces to give appropriateness to each outfit
  
• We donated 30+ pieces that don’t fit the wardrobe anymore to Shelter Our Sisters, a non-profit organization that assists women and children victims of domestic violence
  
• We created new, refreshing, stylish outfits with already existing pieces and discussed new ways of wearing them
  
• We made many alteration decisions
  
• We put together a list of a few accessories and separates that she might want to purchase to maximize the look of existing pieces
• We swapped out her wire and plastic hangers for new thinner no slip velvet hangers for a cleaner closet look 

I love April’s closet! Every piece is unique and yet they all belong in the same place, with April Benson. Many women like a look and buy that look with small nuances of distinction. This closet is a wardrobe of concise choosing. April is an expert shopper. She hunts for detail and color and has a natural gravitation to classic silhouettes. Her pieces can be worn forever.

While April needed no help in the style category, she seemed to light up with the validation of her wardrobe.  She was thrilled to have a partner to try on clothing with. I felt energized and admired April, appreciated the openness of communication between us, and completely enjoyed the exchange of creative energy that flowed during our time together.

Nice to know you April!

—————————-

And my thoughts on the experience?

I’ve noticed that:

• I really like seeing some empty spaces in my shoe racks.
• I don’t miss anything I’ve let go of.
• I could imagine letting go of a few more things if I don’t wear them within the next year.
  
• Now I have a desire to go through all the t-shirts, shells, camisoles, and sweaters, and pare those down too.
  
• Even though they don’t take up that much physical space, the more belts, scarves, stockings, lingerie, and jewelry stuff I have, the more brain space it takes.
  
• I’m delighted to know that things now sitting undisturbed in my closet will lead an active, healthy life with somebody else.
  
• I do feel lighter and want to keep it that way.
  
• Altering things I already own to make them feel modern and comfortable makes my closet a much happier place! 

Mission accomplished!

To make an appointment with Eve, you can visit her website: www.ShopYourClosetNow.com, or call her at 646-584-7540. 

For more information about the work that Eve has done, click here.

 

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Last Wednesday, I had a delightful and very informative Skype call with Jill Chivers, an Australian woman who took her compulsive buying bull by the horns. She decided that for a full year she’d refrain from buying any new clothes and shop only in her own closet.  The experiment resulted first in a blog and then an online learning program for overshoppers, My Year Without Clothes Shopping.  Her program is designed to help other people make the same life-affirming changes she made. [Read more...]

 

With the holiday season upon us (and retailers lathered up for it), I want to remind us all (as I remind myself): a good holiday doesn’t have to be a goods holiday. And this year, in spite of the massive sales machine that grinds 24/7 from now until Christmas, it’s a little easier to live that distinction. The lingering recession is tempering many people’s former extravagance, generating a healthy move toward moderation.

THE SPENDING FRENZY’S OVER

During the second quarter, average credit card debt slipped below $5,000 for the first time in eight years – its fifth consecutive quarter of decline. The percentage of cardholders 90-or-more days delinquent dropped to less than 1%, down by more [Read more...]

As the holiday season rolls toward us, online overshoppers may find themselves hideously tempted. Internet merchants are leveraging their natural advantages in convenience, price, and selection, and, like bricks-and-mortar retailers, they’re starting holiday sales earlier than ever. [Read more...]

At last, the provisions of the Credit Card Act of 2009 have taken effect. And yes, several of the most egregious credit card company practices—the sudden skyrocketing of interest rates, for example, or jacking up someone’s interest rate on one card if they’re late on payments to another—have been curtailed. But consumers must stay vigilant. The new Act is costing the credit industry billions, and they’re rolling out their considerable ingenuity to offset those losses. Look for, watch for, new fees and penalties. And now more than ever, reduce, to the fullest extent possible, your use of credit cards. As you pay off your balances, close all but one or two cards. (The rules and regulations of every card are different, and with multiple cards, there’s too much to keep up with.)

In recent postings, we’ve explored two important legs of a three-legged stool that supports stopping overshopping, self-kindness and self-care. Today we look at the crucial third leg, self-respect. Taken with the other two, it offers a solid base from which the thoughtful overshopper can reach for change.

Self-respect is having the proud feeling that you matter. It’s the natural outcome of holding what you see with acceptance and compassion. People who’ve suffered abuse as children or young adults internalize the negative messages they’ve heard from others; they lose self-respect and don’t acknowledge their own worth.

Compromised self-respect must be reclaimed—and it can be. The wonderful American poet Galway Kinnell tells us this, unforgettably, in “Saint Francis and the Sow”:

The bud

stands for all things,

even for those things that don’t flower,

for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;

though sometimes it is necessary

to reteach a thing its loveliness,

to put a hand on its brow

of the flower

and retell it in words and in touch

it is lovely

until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing.

Self-care, self-kindness and self-respect are powerful, intricately interrelated ways of relearning the loveliness of ourselves, so that we flower again from within. They help counter the negative messages from which overshopping has been an unsuccessful attempt to escape.

In the next series of postings, which you’ll find under the heading Tips for Tracking Spending, we’ll turn from attitudes about the self to a concrete technique for reining in your spending habits.  Called weighing in, the technique helps you to see exactly what you spend and what you spend it for. It also enables you to see how much you’d save if you bought only what you genuinely needed. Once you master weighing in, you’re free of the financial fog that typically surrounds an overshopper, clouding her judgment and blurring his reality.

In the last posting, we saw how important self-care is for the overshopper who wants to stop. We noted that overshoppers, who often juggle several roles, tend to relegate self-care to the back burner (or take it off the stove entirely), and we focused on anticipating, rather than reacting to, personal needs.

Today, I want to flesh out these observations. So take a deep breath—and then an honest look at the basics of your physical comfort, health, and safety. How well are you doing in these areas? What aren’t you taking care of? Would it be a good idea to:

• write a list of emergency contacts and post them on your refrigerator door?
• check your burglar or fire alarm system, or relearn how to work it?
• contact an attorney or accountant on a matter you’ve procrastinated about (for example, filing quarterly taxes or updating your will)?
• make an appointment to improve the safety of your car (such as bad brakes or bald tires)?
• remove physical hazards from your home (chemicals or loose wires) or health hazards (dust, mold, or pests)?
• exercise for at least twenty minutes several times a week?
• prepare a healthy meal for immediate or future use?
• make a medical or dental appointment, whether routine or in response to symptoms?
• drink at least forty-eight ounces of water a day?
• take daily vitamins and medications as prescribed?
• get more sleep?
• engage in positive, safe sex?
• set up a retirement account?
• open the mail and process it in a timely manner?

Now make a list for yourself of the items above that genuinely need attention—and any important others you’ve thought of. This gives you a set of things you could accomplish in anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours—perhaps the same amount of time you spend shopping on any given day. Beware of the part of you that will say you can’t do these things, that you don’t have the time or money, that they don’t or won’t matter anyway. Listen instead to the small, quiet voice that knows better and can see through these excuses.

You might want to make copies of the list for your bulletin board and refrigerator. You’ll then have a handy reminder of several ways to care for yourself instead of shopping. One word of caution: Don’t think of these as things you should do but rather as things it makes sense to do. Think of them as caring gifts for the happier, healthier, safer version of yourself that you’re becoming.

In the next posting, we’ll look at the third and final leg of the stool that supports us. Having examined self-kindness and self-care, we’ll conclude with a (somewhat poetic) discussion of self-respect.

As the president and congress turn their attention to problem elements of our health care image system—notably, skyrocketing costs and inequities in access—it’s a particularly good time to remind overshoppers about their own health care. And they need reminding: research has shown that compulsive buyers are often woefully deficient in managing their health care, and in other kinds of self-care as well. Yet self-care is central. It’s what keeps you going, physically, emotionally, even financially. Self-care is not selfishness, a fixation on self to the exclusion of others. It’s a proper attention to personal needs so that the self can flourish, not in isolation but extending outward.

Do you procrastinate about making doctor’s appointments, forgo regular checkups, avoid diagnostic tests, or fail to get prescription medications because the money for these has gone to things you’ve bought obsessively? Have you allowed your shopping addiction to so damage your supportive human web of family and friends that it feels as if there’s no one to help you with your recovery or turn to in an emergency? Does the sheer amount of clutter in your home prevent you from having people over—or perhaps even present a serious risk to your health and safety?

Self-care differs from self-kindness in that you don’t always experience its benefits immediately. Brushing your teeth may not feel as kind to yourself as taking a hot bath scented with fine oil; but while you’re brushing them, if you imagine a future with strong teeth, healthy gums, and a broad, relaxed smile—free of pain and dental bills—you can actually experience some of the good you’re bestowing on yourself. Part of recognizing and celebrating your worth as a human being is seeing that your teeth are properly attended to, your meals are nutritious, your home is safe, and your future is provided for.

Self-care is as central to stopping overshopping as self-kindness. It prevents bad things from happening to you—your car being stolen, your house getting broken into, you being mugged or getting sick. Self-care means never incurring outrageous late fees for missed deadlines, not because you didn’t have the money but because you didn’t open your mail in time.

So how can you begin to take better care of yourself? The trick is to give up the habit of reacting to your needs. Instead, each day act as your own loving caregiver. Anticipate your needs. (You don’t wait to buy Band-Aids until your child cuts himself.) Doing this preventive self-care may not give you the instant gratification that shopping does, but you’ll be in control of your life rather than at constant risk of being caught short—and that feeling of control will buoy you, giving you confidence in the present and excitement about the future.

The change from neglect to self-care is less daunting than it at first appears. On any given day, the time you’d otherwise spend overshopping can provide you with a quieter but far healthier gratification: clean and folded laundry, or a living room you want to sit in rather than close off, or timely renewal of your car registration, or a closet or cabinet organized and arranged so that you can see what’s in it, or a delicious meal that you’ve cooked rather than bought.

In the next posting, we’ll put some flesh on these bones. First, we’ll look at an expanded list of acts of self-care; then we’ll add our own items to the list.